Working on the weekend

In my house, Saturdays are sacred. Saturdays are for sleeping in (sometimes until 7:30 a.m.!) Saturdays are for making blueberry pancakes and watching cartoons. Saturdays are for reading the newspaper, or taking the kids to the park, or visiting friends. Even when we have to do errands, Saturdays are family time.

But not today. Today I had to go to an all-day conference.

While I rushed around trying to get ready this morning, one of the kids had an "accident" on the bed and then spilled a full glass of orange juice on the living room carpet. I stripped the bed, loaded the sheets into the washing machine, and said to my husband, "You're going to have an interesting day." Then I made my exit as quickly as possible, leaving him to deal with the orange juice.

Normally I dislike working on weekends, but I was happy to leave this morning. As much as I love my kids, sometimes it is easier to be at work. (Many of my working mama friends would agree.) Besides, I was looking forward to the conference and knew I would learn a lot.

Still, it's hard for many working mamas to spend additional time away from our children, when many of us feel we don't get enough time with them already.

As one of my working mama friends once told me, explaining why she didn't want to go out to dinner with her husband on a Saturday night: "When I was home with the kids for a year, I was happy to plan a date night. Now I don't want to go out on weekends because I feel bad leaving the kids."

So did I feel guilty, being away from the kids all day?

I could have, but I've spent lots of quality time with them lately. Instead, I enjoyed the conference.

And the kids had a great day with dad.

Tips for re-entering the workforce

Your resume needs dusting off, your wardrobe's out of date, and you can't remember the last time you had an adult conversation, let alone a job interview.

For job seekers who've been out of the paid workforce for awhile, Carolyn Harvey and Beth Herrild of Quest for Balance shared these tips:

Keeping yourself marketable. Have you done any volunteer work while you've been away from the paid workforce? Volunteering to write a grant is a skill you can put on the resume, whereas helping your child's teacher laminate art work is not, Carolyn says. Staying in touch with your contacts, taking classes and being aware of industry trends are also good strategies to help keep yourself marketable.

Deciding on your ideal position. Just because you held a certain job before having a child does not mean you have to return to the same job, Carolyn says. Could you re-invent a former job? Take a similar position but in a different industry? Build upon a passion or hobby? Having children changes you, and you might no longer want the same job.

Updating your resume. First decide on a format: functional, chronological or a combination of both. One or two pages is fine, but you don't have to list everything. That college experience can probably be cut. Include a short statement about what you are seeking. Focus on results rather than simply listing your previous job duties.

Conducting the search. Networking is still the best source for finding a new job, so call or e-mail everyone you know and tell them what you are looking for. Consider using a networking site such as www.Linkedin.com. Search regular job boards, or even search directly on the Web sites of companies where you would like to work.

Interviewing. Wear a great interview outfit. Prepare in advance for questions and draw upon your professional experience for examples. Send a thank-you note after the interview.

Negotiating the offer. Find the perfect job, make them fall in love with you, and then negotiate. If you don't need benefits, for example, maybe you could offer to forego them in exchange for a more flexible schedule. Or if you'd really like to work part-time or telecommute, tell your employer but offer to work full time first to establish credibility. Try to make it a win-win situation for everybody.

For more inspiration, take a look at this Seattle Times' article on "How one stay-at-home mom jumped back into the paid workforce."

Finding balance

Yesterday I went to a seminar at the Bellevue Regional Library titled: "Forget Balance and Embrace Comfortable Chaos plus Strategies for Re-Entering the Workforce."

The seminar was given by Carolyn Harvey and Beth Herrild of "Quest for Balance," a company founded by these two mothers/corporate veterans with the stated goal of "helping individuals and companies become more productive, less frenzied and to actually enjoy and thrive on the duality of work and family."

A mother's life is nothing if not chaotic, so one of the first things Carolyn and Beth had us do was take a quiz to determine our own personal tolerance for chaos.

I scored in the mid-range, which means I am a "master of moderation." I like the excitement of some chaos in my life, such as the thrill of meeting a deadline, but then I need periods of rejuvenation, such as a quiet moment reading a book after the kids go to bed. In contrast, someone with a high score might be a "more is better" kind of person who thrives on the excitement of juggling multiple projects, while someone with a low score might be more of a "purposeful and methodical" kind of person who takes the time to do a job right the first time.

The goal of the quiz? To help those who take it better understand themselves, which can help them make more informed choices when it comes to work or life.

I'll tackle Beth and Carolyn's job-hunting strategies in a future post.

Business is booming, baby!

Check out the story in today's Seattle Post-Intelligencer about these local, women-owned businesses: " 'Mamapreneurs' ignite a baby-biz boom."

These are working mamas who see a need and meet it, creating successful businesses in the process.

As the story says, the no. 1 reason women start businesses? Flexibility and control, according to Victoria Colligan of Ladies Who Launch.

Good job, mamas!

It isn't often a mother gets any credit for all her hard work, so I thought I'd share this article from The Washington Post that tells working mamas we're doing a good job: "Despite 'Mommy Guilt,' Time With Kids Increasing."

Way to go, mamas! We're expert jugglers. Our jobs are hard. But we're making our kids a priority, and we're making the most of the time we have with them.

"I missed you, mommy"

Yesterday when I got home from work, I immediately had to put my one-year-old daughter to bed. Then I had to make dinner for my 2 1/2-year-old son and me. (My husband was working late.)

While we were eating dinner, my son turned to me and said, "I missed you, mommy."

His words touched me. I know he misses me when I'm gone, but this is the first time I've heard him verbalize his feelings.

I just hugged him and said, "I missed you too, sweetie."

I thought about this tonight as I read the article "Family Values Begin at Home, but Who's Home?"

The author believes, and I agree, that in the quest for work-life balance, work is winning. And in a society that's supposed to be deeply concerned about family values, "these issues have been appallingly absent from the political conversation."

Maybe it's time to jump-start the conversation. Election 2008, anyone?

Need more convincing? Take at look at this post on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog of a glimpse inside the boardroom. Horrified? I was.

The opt-out myth

Here's a fascinating article by E.J. Graff of Brandeis University's Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism. The premise? Professional women are not "opting out" of the workforce, they are being pushed out.

I think this is a must read for any working mother (and that's some 70 percent of you).

It's live!

And here's the blog: family.go.com/blog/IronJessica

Working and working out, part two

I road my bike to the office today, inspired in part by the unusually warm and sunny weather, in part by this article I read last year about a family of four that lives the suburbs and doesn't have a car.

Before you utter any excuses about having to drop the kids at day care, or the weather being too cold, make sure you read the part about how one mom road her bike to work with a baby. Four miles. In the snow.

Extreme maybe, but to me it's just one example of how to fit exercise into your regular day.

Speaking of inspiration, my friend Jessica's blog about mothers and exercise was supposed to launch yesterday on family.com.

About Jessica: She has a full-time job, two kids AND she's training for an Ironman triathlon.

Me? I just want to make it back up the hill on my commute home.

Girlfriends

I've been in the same book club for nine years. I started it not long after I moved to Seattle on the advice of a therapist, who suggested I make more women friends.

We read a book a month, then meet for dinner at the hostess' house for dinner and a discussion. Our two rules: All book club meetings must have drinks and dessert.

There are currently eight of us, all mothers, and while we've lost some members and added new ones along the way, the number has remained about the same. And just as our group has evolved, so have our discussions. We generally spend a few minutes talking about the book -- longer if we all hated it -- and the rest of the time we talk about children, husbands, jobs, politics, religion, vacations, exercise, or whatever.

None of us had children when the group began. But these are the women who've showered me with baby gifts, who've brought me meals after the births of my two children and who've lent a ready ear or given advice on all things child-related. And I've done the same for them.

Not surprisingly, the topic of work-life balance comes up frequently in our book-club meetings. (Other recent discussions included who does more around the house, how not to raise overly indulgent children and how to get your kids to baseball practice with less than a week's notice of the days/times of the practices.) Here's a glimpse at how we all make work work:

Of the eight of us, three work full time. (One does this by working from home a couple of days a week so she can spend more time with her kids, opting to work evenings after they go to bed. Oh yeah, and she's in a high-level job at a large software company.)

One recently worked full time until she was laid off after the company was bought in a hostile takeover. Instead of pursuing another permanent position, she decided she needed more than three weeks' vacation a year and now has a full-time contract job that ends in June, just in time for her to enjoy the summer.

Another used to work full-time as a teacher, but now she job shares and is home by early afternoon -- in time to greet her own kids as they get home from school.

One works part-time, and although the company has pressured her to go full time, she has resisted.

One quit her job as a lawyer after her kids were born, and now that her kids are older she works a few hours a week at her old firm with the promise that she will come back full time in the next couple of years.

And, of course, I just quit my part-time job so I could work for myself.

In the busy world of a working mom trying to get everything done that needs to get done, it can be all too easy to set friendships aside. I think that's crazy. Working moms need girlfriends more than ever.

All in a day's work

What a great day! I played with my kids all morning, then I spent 4 1/2 hours today at my husband's office, learning how to do his accounting, billing and payroll. It's not my normal line of work, but I am so happy to have a less stressful job. Besides, he really needs the help, and it also helps our bottom line.

I got home just before 6 and realized I had forgotten to set out something for dinner, but I grabbed leftovers from the freezer and popped them in the microwave. Within 10 minutes, I had dinner on the table.

By some miracle, we got both kids to sleep (in their own beds even!) by 7:30.

So what did I do with my evening? I prepped dinner for tomorrow, then I cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms. (I had a house cleaner for awhile, but I fired her after she didn't show up for the third time, so now I'm back to doing it myself.)

I keep thinking of that old saying, "A woman's work is never done."

Not that I'm saying that cleaning is woman's work, mind you. Trust me, my husband does his share around here.

I just think that in families where both parents work, for many the "second shift" begins in the evening -- making dinner, feeding and bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, doing dishes, tackling laundry, paying bills, etc.

And even when a working mother is not officially on the clock, at work or at home, she's always on call. It comes with being a mother.

Not one, but two jobs

Is anyone actually surprised by this MSNBC.com article that says women still are more likely than men to take time off work for child care responsibilities?

Among the interesting findings:

"An Elle/MSNBC.com survey of more than 60,000 people found that about 15 percent of people thought their female bosses’ child care responsibilities interfered with their ability to do their job. Only about half that many — or 7 percent — thought child care duties were interfering with their male bosses’ workday."

One expert quoted said she found the 7 percent number encouraging, because it could mean men are participating more in child care duties.

But the problem remains that survey respondents still thought child care responsibilities interfered with their bosses' ability to do their job. (How many of those people actually have kids?)

I think the greater issue is the need for more flexibility in the workplace. Or, as the article states: "... Workplaces will develop more flexible policies for working parents only if men start taking on even more child care responsibilities."

Last Saturday, for instance, I ran into a male friend with his two kids at the Seattle Children's Museum. I happen to know his wife is in the middle of planning a major event for her employer, and he said he was taking the kids for the day so she could work. He said he was also watching the kids on Monday.

"Don't you have to work?" I asked.

Well yes, he did, but so did his wife, so it was his turn to take time off.

That's the nature of modern parenting when both parents work: Who has the deadline coming up? Who took time off last time?

Or even, who makes more money? Or who has the more flexible job?

Is it always fair? Probably not.

Working and working out

So not long ago, a friend who recently returned to her full-time job after maternity leave said to me, "One thing I still haven't figured out is when to work out."

This working mama sympathizes. (And I've also discovered that having two young kids means it's twice as hard to find time to work out.)

So what's a working mama to do?

This article on FamilyEducation.com has some useful tips, including making workouts a priority, waking up early to head to the gym (Ha! As if I have any extra sleep to sacrifice!) and trading workout days with a partner.

If you don't want to cut too much into family time, I say join a gym near the office and squeeze in a workout during your lunch break. (Hey, you're already paying for child care anyway, why not get a workout out of it, too?)

If there's not a gym nearby, even going for a walk can get the blood moving and give a working mama a few minutes of personal time, not to mention leave her refreshed for those afternoon meetings.

Personally, I have found it useful to redefine the concept of exercise. Before baby, my idea of "working out" was swimming for half an hour, parking myself on the elliptical trainer at the gym, going on a Saturday afternoon bike ride or running a few miles before work.

And now? I consider it a success if I can just get both kids dressed and out of the house.

Seriously, though, on the days I'm not working and can't get a babysitter, I try to incorporate my kids into my exercise routine. I have a double stroller (my kids are 1 and 2 1/2), and anytime the weather's not below freezing, I'll buckle them in and head for the neighborhood park. (Hey, with both kids in this thing, it weighs almost 80 pounds, so don't tell me that's not a workout!) Sometimes I'll even bring the dogs, two 75-pound Labrador retrievers. The dogs get a walk, the kids get to play at the park and mom gets her exercise. Everyone's happy.

I also put my kids to work. When my son was a toddler, I would have him accompany me while I did chores in the yard. If I was pulling weeds, I'd give him a hose and let him water the plants. If I was raking leaves, he would help me. (Grandma gave him a pint-sized rake, which he loved.) I could spend time with my son, squeeze some chores into the too-short weekend, and get exercise all at the same time.

Above all, I make exercise a priority in my life. If I don't get any, I go stir-crazy, so instead I squeeze it in wherever I can.

It's about time

In Washington state, a Senate budget committee just approved legislation — Senate Bill 5659 — that would entitle all workers to up to five weeks of paid family leave per year.

According to a report in The Seattle Times, workers could "use it to stay home with a newborn baby or newly adopted child, to care for a sick relative or domestic partner, or as personal sick leave.

"Payments would be capped initially at $250 per week, a figure that would grow with inflation. To cover the benefits, the state would impose a payroll tax of 2 cents an hour per employee — about $40 per year. The bill would allow employers to deduct the tax from employee paychecks.

"The program, which would take effect in 2009, is projected eventually to cost about $100 million per year.

"It would be the nation's second-highest family-leave benefit, behind California. Several other states, however, also are considering expanding their programs."

Kudos to Washington state lawmakers for finally taking this step. For working mothers who might not otherwise be able to afford time off, this bill could financially enable them to spend time bonding with baby, establish breastfeeding or care for a sick child.

The bill still needs to pass the House, so now is the time to contact your legislators.

The joys of being self-employed

Today I took my kids to a birthday party at 3-2-1 Bounce in Bellevue. (Who hosts birthday parties on Mondays anyway? If I had a more traditional job, I wouldn't have been able to go.)

One of the perks of being self-employed is if my kids get invited to a birthday party on a Monday afternoon, I can take them and adjust my work hours accordingly. However, I was also supposed to meet my husband at the office this afternoon to learn his accounting and payroll system so I can start helping him with his books.

Well, let's just say I planned to leave the party after the bouncing, but A. followed all the kids to the party room and sat down and immediately started eating pizza. I wasn't about to pull him away in the middle of that, but I did manage to get him out the door before cake and presents, or I would have missed my afternoon appointment entirely.

I raced home to drop the kids off with grandma and arrived 45 minutes late to Jim's office. Did I mention I was also covered with smooshed banana? Not a good first impression on a new job, but my husband is very forgiving.

Barbara Rose of the Chicago Tribune recently wrote about a new survey that suggests that instead of opting out of the workplace, "professional women are choosing to stay employed by negotiating flexible arrangements such as shortened hours and restricted travel."

Rose refers to the study from Simmons College School of Management in Boston. She also writes: "An overwhelming 90 percent reported having negotiated flexible work arrangements at some point in their careers."

Surprisingly, "Women who said they used flexible arrangements at some point in their careers were not hit with a 'mommy tax.' Holding constant for age, educational level and other differences, they earned as much as women who asked for no special flexibility, the study said."

Yes, the survey size was small, just over 400 professional women. But the authors theorize that women's careers were being measured against a model from the 1950s that no longer gels with today's workplace.

Rose writes: "That paradigm no longer makes sense because firms no longer promise lifetime employment, and people's personal lives are more complex...."

" 'Women are rejecting the "work is primary" career model and enacting a new "self-employed" one,' the study states."

What the self-employed career philosophy means is that women are finding flexibility in the workplace.

And flexibility is often a requirement for finding a better balance between work life and home life, and sometimes even being able to attend a child's birthday party on a Monday.

Baby, this just isn't working for me

Interesting, if not somewhat discouraging, article on Guardian Unlimited yesterday: "Baby, this just isn't working for me."

The article begins: "Women with young children suffer more discrimination at work than any other group..." according to a UK government-commissioned report.

Apparently American women are not the only ones struggling with work/parenting issues.

One paragraph in particular that struck me:

"Nothing prepares you for parenthood, according to the cliche, and certainly nothing prepares the young, successful working woman for the painful realisation, as she hits her 30s, that this is the decade in which she's expected to do two completely contradictory things: start a family and at the same time shift her career into the highest gear if she is to win the biggest prizes. The 30s is a decade of brutal reckoning for many women as they are forced to recalibrate everything they have been told since they were children - yes, they can achieve anything they set their minds on, but at a cost that no one ever spelt out to them. How large that cost is depends entirely on the individual woman, her own understanding of motherhood and the kind of engagement she wants with her own children. A few working mothers resolve that conflict to their own satisfaction; the vast majority live uncomfortably with an internal dialogue of self-doubt."

This is not to say you can't be a mother and have a high-powered career. Take a look at this article on Yahoo! Chief Financial Officer Susan Decker.

But I do agree that many career women do encounter a brutal reckoning once they have children. There's nothing like having a baby to force you to re-examine your life.

Along comes baby...

I don't think it's possible to be truly prepared for how a baby will change your life. You can read all the parenting books, you can hang out with friends who have little ones, but you don't really know. Not until you've been been sleep-deprived for months on end. Not until you've seen your baby's first smile and thought "She likes me!" Not until you've been woken up in the middle of the night, scared half to death, because your baby has croup and can hardly breathe.

Likewise, for a mother who also holds down a job outside the home, I can't begin to describe how heart wrenching it is to leave your baby in the care of total strangers for the first time. Or the joy you feel about wearing clothes without baby spit on them, or talking to adults for most of the day, or just being able to get something done! Or how tired, frazzled and guilty you feel when you have to cancel that meeting for the third time because baby is sick again.

At least that's how it was for me.

Before baby, I worked long hours, often leaving my house at 7 in the morning and not returning until 7 or 7:30 at night. I was a producer for a newspaper Web site, a job I loved but that required juggling multiple projects and constant deadlines.

I was fortunate enough to work for a company that offered me six-months' maternity leave and a day care center across the street. But I knew that if I continued to work those long hours, I would never see my baby, and that wasn't the kind of mom I wanted to be. So I successfully negotiated a job-share agreement, found a co-worker who would be willing to be my job-share partner, and went back to work when my son was 5 1/2 months old.

I enrolled my son in day care at the end of October. I was happy to be back at work, tackling new projects and using my brain. I would go over every day at lunchtime to visit, often nursing him so I wouldn't have to pump breast milk for his bottle.

But we had problems with day care almost from the start. A. did not nap well there. My breast milk supply quickly dwindled, and I reluctantly had to supplement with formula.

And A. was sick all the time. Within a three-month period he had RSV, bronchiolitis and four ear-infections. I had to bring a nebulizer to the center to administer his medicine. Every other week I was asked to come pick him up because he threw up or he had a fever. And when he was sick, it usually lasted for a week.

I didn't have backup child care, but A. was too sick for me to leave him in someone else's care anyway. Fortunately, I was able to work from home, but due to the daily deadlines, if I didn't finish my work for that day, someone else had to pick up my slack. I opted instead to work into the night after I had put A. to bed, which only deprived me of sleep, left me vulnerable to getting sick, and made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job at work or at home.

These were the things no one told me about before I had a baby.

I was the only working mother on our team of about 20. I was lonely. But I was determined not to fail, grateful to work for a company that valued me enough to let me set up a job-share.

When my parents moved to Washington state from California to help out, I pulled A. of day care faster than you can say "Achoo!" and gratefully left him in the care of Grandma.

As A. got older, things started to get easier. He wasn't so dependent upon me anymore. I started to feel more like myself. I was enjoying myself at work again.

And then, the same month my son turned one, I got pregnant again.

Now, some women rave about being pregnant, say it's the happiest time in their lives. I am not one of them. I threw up almost daily for five months. I was nauseated all hours of the day. I did not sleep well at night. Yet somehow I managed to get through the pregnancy, raise a toddler and (barely) hold down a job.

This time, I started my maternity leave a couple of weeks before my second child was due. Again, I took six months off. When I went back to work, I had the support of my mother at home, watching the two kids, helping to clean the house and occasionally throwing in a load of laundry. When I was running late (frequently), I could even call home and ask her to warm up dinner.

It was an ideal situation. "You're so lucky," friends would tell me.

But for someone so lucky, I wondered why I was so unhappy. After six months of trying to balance the needs of two kids under 3, a part-time job that was no longer satisfying, and still have time for my husband and myself, I decided I'd had enough. (If there's one thing having kids has made me realize, it's that if I want to accomplish all the goals on my life list, I might as well start now.)

Now I am a freelance writer, editor and Web site producer, plus I help my husband with the family business. When I have work, I work; when I don't, I spend time with the kids. It's how I found my work-life balance, am still finding my work-life balance, but I had to leave a traditional office environment to do so. And I am lucky, because this wouldn't be possible if I didn't have an extremely flexible and loving babysitter. ("Nana," as my kids call her.)

The choices surrounding working and parenting, especially for a woman, are never easy. What helps me: having family nearby, doing work I am passionate about, and surrounding myself with other moms. (It doesn't hurt to hire a housekeeper or a meal delivery service, either.)

My working mother friends and I, we all struggle over issues of how to be good mothers and good workers, of how to balance home life and office life. But I don't think there is one solution. We all just do the best we can.