What makes it hard is also what makes it worthwhile

My son has a new game called shoe store, which primarily involves trying on all the shoes in my closet and stomping down the hallway with his sister, always quick to catch on, right behind him. Paradoxically, this game also involves dumping every single article of clothing in my closet on the floor, which is why I am not too fond of it. Especially when I've already spent half an hour cleaning up from an earlier game.

Lately I feel like I'm always one step behind. Every time I'm invited to the park or the pool or a birthday party, I spend more time trying to keep track of the kids than talking with friends. At the wading pool today, for example, I was so preoccupied with trying to keep my daughter from drowning while also chasing my son to the other end of the pool that I didn't have much time to visit with the two women I was with -- who each have only one child, I might add.

I came home quite tired, but still happy to be spending a beautiful summer day outside in the water, pretty much where I'd prefer to be all the time. Especially because I'll be stuck in an office the rest of the week.

But as exhausting, as emotionally challenging, as absolutely frazzling as caring for two children can be at times, it's what is hard that makes it worthwhile.

If I didn't have to bust my butt so often picking up after the kids, for example, I wonder if I would so readily cheer to see them master the use of a fork or to clean up toys unasked. If I didn't have to do 10 tons of laundry a week, I wonder if I would be so genuinely touched to be presented with a perfectly folded hand towel courtesy of my 3-year-old son. If I didn't have to hear my daughter cry for her mama every night at bedtime, I wonder if I would feel such mixture of relief and regret to watch her quietly drift to sleep on her own.

It just makes me wonder about all those celebrities with their cherished tots and doting nannies -- do they realize at the end of the day that it's all the hard work that makes it so worth it?

Or in other words, the harder the challenges, the happier I am to see the successes, no matter how small, in my own family.

A mother's shoes are tough to fill, but I do the best I can. I see the rewards in front of me every day.

Dinner madness

At my house, the hour before dinner goes something like this: I trip over toys while trying to dump pasta into boiling water while my screaming daughter clings to my leg and my son tries to jab her with a fondue fork.

If my husband gets home from work on time, he distracts the kids while I attempt to put food on the table. If he's late, more screaming ensues and I stuff bread into the kids' mouths to make it stop. Then, while I'm changing a poopy diaper and trying to keep my son from smearing my new lipstick on the bathroom carpet, I inevitably overcook the pasta and burn the main course.

Eventually we all get fed, but I wonder sometimes: What is it about the end of the day that makes kids just fall apart? Tiredness? Hunger? Wanting mama?

On the days I work, putting dinner together is even tougher, as I often don't get home until 5:30 and my kids wanted dinner a half hour ago.

Fortunately, I've found some shortcuts to help us survive. Month of Meals is one of my favorites -- for a reasonable price, I get 12 chef-prepared meals I can heat up in minutes at home. "MOM" uses all natural meats, and you can even buy side dishes and desserts. The portions are generous and the meals delicious. They even deliver.

Pioneer Organics also helps keep my family fed. I order fresh fruits and veggies, delivered weekly to my door. They even offer grocery staples such as milk, eggs, bread and much more -- a life saver for a working mama who never quite knows when she'll be able to make it to the store. Their Web site is easy to use, and I can customize my order, suspend deliveries if I'm going on vacation and leave feedback with ease.

For those times I just don't feel like cooking, I turn to Dinner Delivery Plus for a meal from one of my favorite local restaurants, from Italian to Indian to Thai.

Apparently I'm not the only one who "outsources" dinner -- there are a number of meal assembly kitchens in the Seattle area.

It's a small price to pay for a little sanity.

I love naps!!!

Today was my day with the kids, and a small miracle happened -- both of them napped at the same time!

I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened. Right around the time his sister was born, my son decided to give up naps. I could occasionally coax him into slumber by packing him in the car and driving around the block, but then his sister would wake up as soon as I stopped the car.

Yes, it's been an exhausting year.

Anyways, not only did they both nap today, but they slept for 2 1/2 hours! My mind raced with the possibilities of the things I could do -- re-seed the lawn, check my e-mail, mop the kitchen floor.

But then I reminded myself that I just got over tending to two sick kids, and I was feeling a bit under the weather myself.

So I climbed under the covers in my bed, read for about an hour, then I took a nap, too.

I even woke up before the kids -- and still had time to fold all the laundry.

I feel like a new woman.

I'm the kind of person who needs quiet to rejuvenate, and I realized today how rarely I get any.

Hmm, maybe I'll have to persuade the kids to do this every day.

A working mama's dilemma

Yesterday my son woke up and was still feverish and complaining of ear pain. And thus the dilemma -- should I go to work or stay home?

Here's the problem: It was my first day on a new gig, and I was filling in for a guy on vacation, so I couldn't exactly call him to say I wouldn't be in. And since I now work for myself, if I don't work, I don't get paid.

So what'd I do? I went to work, knowing I'd be home by 1 p.m. I trusted the kids would be in good hands with dad and grandma for a couple of hours.

That afternoon, I took the clan to the doctor's office. Turns out A. had an ear infection, so they prescribed antibiotics, and now he's in a much happier mood.

And we have to see the pediatrician AGAIN tomorrow, this time for L's 15-month checkup. Which is good, because she might have an ear infection, too.

Fortunately, tomorrow I'm scheduled for another half-day shift, so I'll get home just in time to load the kids in the car for the appointment.

I'm just relieved my schedule is flexible -- and that I can be there for the important things.

Deadlines and doctor's visits

Tonight I had to take my son to the doctor's office. A few days ago, he had a high fever and vomiting, then he got better. Then the last two days he's developed a low-grade fever and a cough, and tonight he was complaining about ear pain and a headache. His ear was hurting him so much he couldn't sleep, so I packed him into the car, pajamas and all, and headed to the after-hours clinic.

The diagnosis? Fluid behind the ears. The pediatrician gave him some ear drops and Tylenol, and after that he felt much better.

These are the kind of little emergencies I try to build into my work schedule. For example, I have a story due tomorrow, but I mostly finished it yesterday so I wouldn't have to stay up late tonight. I've gotten better about not procrastinating because if there's one thing I've learned as a mom, it's that if I wait until the last-minute to finish a project, inevitably someone in my house will get sick.

Score one for a working mama this round. As for next time, we'll see if I'm as lucky.

In print -- and in the money

Two things happened in the last couple of weeks:

One, I finally got my first check for my freelance business. (It takes FOREVER to get paid!) Now I can go to the bank and open my business checking account.

Second, my first product testing article appeared in The Seattle Times. They billed me as a "busy working mother of two."

It's nice that I can make this motherhood gig pay somehow.

Back from vacation

Here's a list of things this working mama had to do upon returning from vacation:

Unpack the car.
Do five tons of laundry.
Pick up dogs from kennel.
Write down list of items to bring next time I go on vacation.
Finish cleaning the house I didn't finish cleaning last week.
Defrost something for dinner the next day.
Make a trip to the grocery store.
Answer work e-mails.

So what did I do last night? Sat down on the couch for five minutes and fell asleep for two hours.

Thankfully, the best husband in the world tackled most of the laundry.

Now I REALLY need a vacation

Around here, we work entirely too hard. So we thought it might be fun to take advantage of the long weekend and head out of town.

However, here's a list of all the things this working mama has to do before we can leave:

Research vacation spot.
Book kennel for the dogs.
Find and reserve lodging.
Take dogs to vet for out-of-date shots needed to stay at kennel.
Assign husband to take dogs to vet.
Create list of things to bring on vacation.
Pack kids' clothes.
Pack kids' toys.
Pack my clothes.
Lay out kids' travel clothes.
Set aside car toys for kids.
Pack dogs' food and treats for kennel.
Go to grocery store to buy food for vacation.
Pack food.
Take dogs to kennel.
Assign husband to take dogs to kennel.
Pack car.
Put kids in car.
Fill up car with gas.
Return to house at least twice to pick up things we forgot.
Drive to vacation spot.
Check into hotel room.
Babyproof hotel room.
Change diapers and feed kids.
Go to general store to buy things we forgot.
Relax.

As much work as this is, I do manage to relax once we arrive. At home, there are always errands calling. But on vacation, I can forget about all that for awhile.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

My two kids share a room, partly because we want them to learn closeness and sharing, and partly because we don't have a huge house. Most of the time, this arrangement has its benefits. And then there are other times, like last night.

A. woke up at 4 a.m. after a nightmare, calling for mama. (Hmm, could it be because we were watching the shark episode on "Planet Earth" earlier? And why in the middle of the night do they always ask for mama, never daddy?) I groggily dragged myself across the hall to their room, tucked him back into bed, and was about to do the same myself when L. woke up, too. Because I prefer to be prone rather than upright at 4 a.m., I picked up both kids and plopped them down in my bed.

So there we were, four of us crowded into a full-size bed. After much tossing and turning, eventually we all fell back to sleep.

It's not the best scenario, but sometimes I'm just too tired to try anything else. Fortunately, I have a secret weapon for nighttime wakenings: the morning fairy.

I read about this ingenious solution a couple of months ago. The way it works is, we tell A. if he goes to sleep in his own bed, stays there all night, and doesn't wet the bed, the morning fairy will bring him a present. Usually it's something like M&Ms and a banana.

Bribery? Yes. But A. is highly motivated by M&Ms.

Some days (and nights) I can't believe what I will say to get the desired result. I always thought I would be one of those parents who tells their children the truth about Santa Claus from the beginning.

But there's something about the power of magic for a three year old. It's more than him believing in something silly like a morning fairy; it's about him learning a new skill and taking pride in his accomplishments.

And, of course, mama getting a few more uninterrupted nights.

While I was busy working...

Predictably, the news media had a flurry of stories about working mamas to coincide with Mother's Day. Because I had a time-consuming gig last week, however, I am just now getting around to adding my comments. What can I say? I'm a busy working mama, and that gig paid better than blogging.

But back to the news. A Contra Costa Times story mentioned how mobile technologies are making it easier for employees to have flexible schedules. In a world where technology increasingly blurs the line between home and work, I'm always surprised more employers and employees don't take advantage of this. For example, given a computer and an Internet connection, both my husband and I could just as easily do our work in Uzbekistan as in Seattle.

Also, a survey by CareerBuilder.com shows that 44 percent of working mamas would take a pay cut if it meant they could spend more time with their children. I did, happily even, because I value my time and did not expect to be paid for 40 hours if I were there only 20.

And then there's the annual survey from Salary.com that says the combined roles of a stay-at-home mom, including overtime, would equal an annual salary of $138,095.

A working mama's "at-home salary" is $85,939. (A working father's salary, based on the national median: $71,160.)

Somebody owes me a raise.

Hey Mom! Thanks.

When my husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day this year, I told him I didn't want a gift. "I just want to go swimming for an hour," I said.

Swimming is one of the things I do to relax. It's how I lost weight after the birth of my son. It's one of my favorite ways to exercise, because I always feel so energized afterwards. I don't go nearly often enough.

Then I thought, why not ask my mother if she'd like to join me for a swim on Mother's Day?

I see her almost every day, when she comes over to watch my kids so I can go out into the world and earn money. But our conversations are too often interrupted by wee ones demanding attention, so I thought it would be nice to do something together, just the two of us.

I can't even begin to thank my mother for all she's done for me over the years. She fed and clothed me. She bandaged my knees when I fell off my bike. She spent countless hours reading to me before bedtime. She attended every single one of my softball games. She taught me that I could do anything, be anything I wanted. She led by example, teaching me about kindness and patience.

And now, she helps watch my kids. If there were ever a person I trust to help raise them, it's her. I think she did a pretty good job the first time around.

I am grateful my kids will be raised in the loving arms of an extended family. I only met my grandparents a handful of times, so I love that A. and L. have formed a tight bond with their Nana. I am grateful that 12 years after I left home, my parents uprooted their lives and moved to the Pacific Northwest so they could be closer to their children and grandchildren.

Did I thank my mother this evening? Well, no. But we had a nice chat and a fun time in the pool. She even let me borrow her goggles after I told her mine leaked.

That's the kind of mother she is.

I hope I can do as much for my own kids. One thing I do know: If either A. or L. ever need help taking care of their own children, I will be there.

Paid family leave - finally!

Yesterday Washington state Gov. Christine Gregoire signed a family leave bill that would give workers a paid stipend for five weeks to care for a child.

Washington is the second state after California to offer paid family leave, which must be taken concurrently with unpaid federal leave.

Thanks is owed to Sen. Karen Keiser of Kent for sponsoring the bill, and to MomsRising.org for advocating on its behalf.

And in case you missed it, the cover story of ParentMap this month is about mothers' rights and includes some disturbing statistics:

• The U.S. is one of only five countries out of 173 studied that doesn't have some form of paid leave for new mothers. The other four: Swaziland, Lesotho, Liberia, and Papua New Guinea.
• Non-mothers earn 10 percent less than their male counterparts. Mothers earn 27 percent less than men, and single mothers as much as 44 percent less.
• Mothers were 44 percent less likely to be hired than non-mothers for the same job -- even with the exact same qualifications.
  

-- Source: ParentMap; MomsRising.org

It looks like we still have some work to do.

More on the end of the mommy wars

I love this commentary by Andrea Otanez on the end of the mommy wars.

She reminds us that most women jump in and out of the workforce throughout their lives, and that a "simplistic focus on us vs. them is a distraction from the real conflict journalists should examine: American institutions that disallow the flexibility life requires."

She's talking, of course, about research by E.J. Graff of Brandeis University's Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism that suggests women are not opting out of the workforce but are being pushed out.

Once again, let's put the mommy wars to rest so we can focus on the real issues. More on that later...

A weekend, for a change

One of the problems with writing a blog for working mamas is sometimes the work gets in the way. I've been busy meeting with clients, finishing stories, covering my weary husband's share of parenting duties and planning A's 3rd birthday party, which was last weekend.

We held a double birthday party for A. and another boy at KidsQuest Children's Museum in Bellevue. It was great! The staff helped the kids make hats and kept us on schedule, and everyone also had time to play in the museum.

Because our kids have more than enough toys, the other mama and I decided to host a gift exchange. Every kid who brought a present went home with a present. I borrowed the idea after reading a story about how birthday parties are getting out of control. So A. got one gift (not counting presents from family), a Chutes and Ladders game. I had fun showing A. how to play it yesterday.

I think A. and all the guests had a good time. The best part for mama -- someone else had to clean up the mess.

On Sunday, we took the kids to a playground and then went for a hike. L. fell asleep in her carrier, so we rested on the beach while Dad and A. tossed rocks into the water. We spent two to three hours doing ... nothing. No errands, no chores, just spending time together as a family.

After all, that's the reason we work so hard, isn't it?

Now that's more like it

I was thrilled today to sit down with my morning coffee and read this Seattle Times article about several local companies honored by the nonprofit Families and Work Institute for creating flexible workplaces.

Here are real-life examples of companies making a profit and treating workers well by giving them control over their work life. Some of the techniques used: flextime, working from home, bringing baby to work, and my personal favorite, an extra month of vacation every five years. Sign me up!

As these companies have discovered, happy workers are productive workers.

I was thinking about this today as I took my kids to the park. My husband runs his own company, which gives him a lot of control over his schedule so we can spend more time together as a family. But every so often, he has to work on the weekend -- 18 hours yesterday, and a full day today. (One of his employees recently had to leave the country because his visa expired. In a company of only five people, that hurts.)

Like I said, my husband doesn't have to do this often, but sometimes things come up. Just like in my last job, things would come up that might require my time on the weekend.

With our time with the kids already limited during the week, having to give up time with them on the weekends as well seemed inherently unfair. But it also illustrates the problem of what to do when both spouses have demanding careers.

Does it mean one has to sacrifice their career? Not necessarily. But if women earn less money than men, as a recent study shows, whose career do you think will suffer?

It's no wonder working mothers are being pushed out of the workplace.

Employers, are you listening? Maybe it's time to take a lesson from your more flexible counterparts.

Working and loving it

I love that I enjoy my job so much I actually look forward to going to work every day. I'm now up to three clients (in addition to helping my husband with his business), which I think is a pretty good start.

Some of the perks of self-employment: I control my own hours and the kind of work I want to do. If I want to learn about something new, I don't have to ask for anyone's approval. If I want to take a day off to take my kids to the museum, I can. I also don't have to waste time in stupid meetings.

I've recently been gleaning advice from "The Anti 9-to-5 Guide" by Seattle-based author Michelle Goodman. She ditched her former cubicle job to go into business for herself, and her book tells how you can do it, too.

One of the things she said in a recent Q&A in The Seattle Times: "Besides offering women flexibility, self-employment gives us a way around wage gaps, glass ceilings and mommy traps in the workplace."

She also says today's work environment is less than worker-friendly. The U.S. has some of the least family-friendly workplace policies in the world, and twenty- and thirty-somethings face "layoffs, offshoring and the 24-7 digital leash."

It's enough to make anyone run screaming from the office.

Or carve out a new career, doing exactly what you want to do.

Looking good, feeling good

One of the things I enjoy about going to work is getting dressed up. I take time to put on makeup, fix my hair, dress in nice clothes. When I look good, I feel good. And when I feel good, I do a better job at work.

It's a welcome change compared to my days at home with the kids, when getting both of them dressed and in the car is an endurance event, when several substances of unknown origin adorn my clothes by the end of the day, and any attempt to style my hair is quickly foiled by my son's demands for a horsey ride.

Not long ago, I read an article in The Seattle Times about tips for moms ready to jump back into the paid workforce. One of the suggestions: update your wardrobe.

I'd also recommend this advice to any woman who's had a baby. After being pregnant and nursing for three-plus years, most of the clothes in my closet are either out of style or don't fit. (I've lost the baby weight and then some -- I'm now the same size I was in high school.)

So recently I treated myself to a shopping spree. I left the kids with Nana and spent a couple of hours at the mall, by myself, and came home with some stylish new outfits.

And you know what? It felt good to do something for me.

Gender pay gap

A friend sent me this article today about a new study that shows a pay gap exists between men and women as soon as one year out of college.

About this friend: She's a well-educated, smart, highly productive worker at a male-dominated tech company. She knows she's fairly compensated for her level, but she also feels her career has stalled, in part because she's a woman and a mother.

What's most disturbing about this study is the gap is credited to gender discrimination, and the gap only widens as the years go by. Families in which a woman is the primary breadwinner are especially hard hit.

Have you smashed your head on the glass ceiling yet?

Appointments, appointments, appointments

What do other working mamas do about the seemingly endless parade of doctor's visits?

Looking at the calendar for the next month, I see that my son has his first dentist appointment, I have a date with the dentist to have some fillings replaced, my son has his three-year well checkup, and my daughter has her 15-month doctor's visit. That's four-plus hours of appointments, not to mention the time spent hauling the kids back and forth.

I don't work on Mondays, partly to address the issue of getting errands done, but our dentists and the kids' doctor don't work on Mondays, either.

I could ask my husband to tackle a couple of these, but he is short-handed at work right now and already putting in extra hours.

This is one of the reasons why I work part time instead of full time. But the rest of you, what do you do?

More fuel for the so-called mommy wars

Oh joy, another book pitting working mothers against stay-at-home mothers: In "The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?" author Leslie Bennetts argues that the last thing women should do is leave the workforce.

Why add more fuel to the so-called mommy wars? I thought the concept that women were opting out had been put to rest.

While it's true that women who opt-out of the workforce for three years or 10 or 20 take a financial hit, some women decide it's worth the risk. Some women cannot afford to not work, but for those financially secure enough to do so, I say it's their choice.

As the writer who reviewed Bennetts' book for The Washington Post states: "After all these years of supposed equal rights, it seems men still have more important things to do than watch their children, a message relentlessly hammered home by the insufficient day care, inflexible employers and pressure to take 'mommy-tracked' jobs that burden so many mothers' working lives."

It seems to me we spend entirely too much energy fighting each other, when the true battle lies elsewhere.

Working and pumping

I recently scored my first official paid gig since starting my own business last month, writing about, of all things, breast pumps. Even better, I was able to say to the project manager with a straight face: “I’m the right woman for the job because I actually have some experience in this area. How do you feel about the word ‘nipple?’ ”

While researching this topic, I thought back to my own experiences pumping at work. I was fortunate enough to work for an employer who provided a lactation room, complete with locking door, breast pump, and refrigerator.

Some of my friends, on the other hand, have shared stories with me about pumping in their car, in the locker room behind a shower curtain, or even in a toilet stall. Come on, how hard is it for a company to provide its nursing mothers with one small office? Or even a converted janitorial closet?

For all you working mamas out there who are pumping at work and in need of inspiration, I recently read a story about a group of women at IBM who shared a lactation room and started a journal to detail their experiences. The journal evolved into several journals and eventually morphed into a book. "The Milk Memos," an informative and encouraging guide to balancing work and motherhood, was published by Penguin last month.

I love the subhead: "How real moms learned to mix business with babies -- and how you can, too."

Do you have a story about pumping at work that you'd like to share? If so, I’d love to hear it.

The "mother of all job changes"

Yesterday I left for work when my baby was sleeping, and I stayed late trying to solve a problem. When I got home, I had just enough time to eat dinner and give L. a goodnight kiss before putting her to bed.

It's hard trying to find the right balance between career and family. I feel lucky to have found a balance in my life that works for me, although not without painful trade-offs. But I would be miserable if I didn't get to see my daughter more than half an hour every day.

Going back to work after having a baby can be a difficult transition, but here's an idea: London's Financial Times had a recent article about a new service called "maternity coaching," which some firms are introducing in an effort to retain working mothers.

According to the Times: "Maternity coaching typically involves confidential one-to-one sessions before, during and after a woman's maternity leave, although it can be delivered in groups. It deals with practicalities, such as how the woman ensures a smooth handover, how much communication she wants from her employer while she is away, and how to set boundaries on returning to cope with the combined demands of work and home life.

"Coaching also addresses the emotional side, including a woman's changing sense of identity and the need to regain confidence."

The goal? To try to retain women in mid-level and senior positions.

I'm all for anything that lends support to new mothers. We face enough challenges already.

Sleepless nights, drowsy days

Some people can get by on five hours of sleep.

I am not one of them.

When I don't get enough sleep, I am grumpy. I am irritable. I am more emotional.

My son, now 2 1/2, was a good nighttime sleeper. (Naps for him were a different story.)

On the other hand, my daughter, now 1, is a light sleeper. Even now the slightest noise can rouse her from her slumber.

Last night she was up and screaming for two hours. I tried to nurse her, I tried to rock her, I tried to put her back in her crib, but that just made her more angry.

Suspecting teething, I finally gave her some Tylenol and lay down next to her on the sofa, and eventually she drifted back to sleep. I looked at the clock: 2 a.m.

I put her back in her crib, collapsed onto my bed, and the next thing I knew it was 5:45 a.m. and my son was yelling from the other room that he wet his bed. Of course he woke up his sister, who shares a room with him.

I find it so hard to concentrate at work when I'm exhausted. Fortunately, I have a light day planned today, so I can just sit in my corner and be grumpy.

I take some small solace knowing I am not the only one awake in the middle of the night. In a recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation, 60 percent of American women say they do not get enough sleep.

What's keeping us from our pillows? Other than children, not doing enough to wind down at night before bed, for one thing.

To which I say, when else am I going to check e-mail? Fold the laundry? Clean the kitchen?

But I know when I can push my limits and when I can't, so tonight after I put the kids to bed, I will ignore the chores and just go to sleep.

Working on the weekend

In my house, Saturdays are sacred. Saturdays are for sleeping in (sometimes until 7:30 a.m.!) Saturdays are for making blueberry pancakes and watching cartoons. Saturdays are for reading the newspaper, or taking the kids to the park, or visiting friends. Even when we have to do errands, Saturdays are family time.

But not today. Today I had to go to an all-day conference.

While I rushed around trying to get ready this morning, one of the kids had an "accident" on the bed and then spilled a full glass of orange juice on the living room carpet. I stripped the bed, loaded the sheets into the washing machine, and said to my husband, "You're going to have an interesting day." Then I made my exit as quickly as possible, leaving him to deal with the orange juice.

Normally I dislike working on weekends, but I was happy to leave this morning. As much as I love my kids, sometimes it is easier to be at work. (Many of my working mama friends would agree.) Besides, I was looking forward to the conference and knew I would learn a lot.

Still, it's hard for many working mamas to spend additional time away from our children, when many of us feel we don't get enough time with them already.

As one of my working mama friends once told me, explaining why she didn't want to go out to dinner with her husband on a Saturday night: "When I was home with the kids for a year, I was happy to plan a date night. Now I don't want to go out on weekends because I feel bad leaving the kids."

So did I feel guilty, being away from the kids all day?

I could have, but I've spent lots of quality time with them lately. Instead, I enjoyed the conference.

And the kids had a great day with dad.

Tips for re-entering the workforce

Your resume needs dusting off, your wardrobe's out of date, and you can't remember the last time you had an adult conversation, let alone a job interview.

For job seekers who've been out of the paid workforce for awhile, Carolyn Harvey and Beth Herrild of Quest for Balance shared these tips:

Keeping yourself marketable. Have you done any volunteer work while you've been away from the paid workforce? Volunteering to write a grant is a skill you can put on the resume, whereas helping your child's teacher laminate art work is not, Carolyn says. Staying in touch with your contacts, taking classes and being aware of industry trends are also good strategies to help keep yourself marketable.

Deciding on your ideal position. Just because you held a certain job before having a child does not mean you have to return to the same job, Carolyn says. Could you re-invent a former job? Take a similar position but in a different industry? Build upon a passion or hobby? Having children changes you, and you might no longer want the same job.

Updating your resume. First decide on a format: functional, chronological or a combination of both. One or two pages is fine, but you don't have to list everything. That college experience can probably be cut. Include a short statement about what you are seeking. Focus on results rather than simply listing your previous job duties.

Conducting the search. Networking is still the best source for finding a new job, so call or e-mail everyone you know and tell them what you are looking for. Consider using a networking site such as www.Linkedin.com. Search regular job boards, or even search directly on the Web sites of companies where you would like to work.

Interviewing. Wear a great interview outfit. Prepare in advance for questions and draw upon your professional experience for examples. Send a thank-you note after the interview.

Negotiating the offer. Find the perfect job, make them fall in love with you, and then negotiate. If you don't need benefits, for example, maybe you could offer to forego them in exchange for a more flexible schedule. Or if you'd really like to work part-time or telecommute, tell your employer but offer to work full time first to establish credibility. Try to make it a win-win situation for everybody.

For more inspiration, take a look at this Seattle Times' article on "How one stay-at-home mom jumped back into the paid workforce."

Finding balance

Yesterday I went to a seminar at the Bellevue Regional Library titled: "Forget Balance and Embrace Comfortable Chaos plus Strategies for Re-Entering the Workforce."

The seminar was given by Carolyn Harvey and Beth Herrild of "Quest for Balance," a company founded by these two mothers/corporate veterans with the stated goal of "helping individuals and companies become more productive, less frenzied and to actually enjoy and thrive on the duality of work and family."

A mother's life is nothing if not chaotic, so one of the first things Carolyn and Beth had us do was take a quiz to determine our own personal tolerance for chaos.

I scored in the mid-range, which means I am a "master of moderation." I like the excitement of some chaos in my life, such as the thrill of meeting a deadline, but then I need periods of rejuvenation, such as a quiet moment reading a book after the kids go to bed. In contrast, someone with a high score might be a "more is better" kind of person who thrives on the excitement of juggling multiple projects, while someone with a low score might be more of a "purposeful and methodical" kind of person who takes the time to do a job right the first time.

The goal of the quiz? To help those who take it better understand themselves, which can help them make more informed choices when it comes to work or life.

I'll tackle Beth and Carolyn's job-hunting strategies in a future post.

Business is booming, baby!

Check out the story in today's Seattle Post-Intelligencer about these local, women-owned businesses: " 'Mamapreneurs' ignite a baby-biz boom."

These are working mamas who see a need and meet it, creating successful businesses in the process.

As the story says, the no. 1 reason women start businesses? Flexibility and control, according to Victoria Colligan of Ladies Who Launch.

Good job, mamas!

It isn't often a mother gets any credit for all her hard work, so I thought I'd share this article from The Washington Post that tells working mamas we're doing a good job: "Despite 'Mommy Guilt,' Time With Kids Increasing."

Way to go, mamas! We're expert jugglers. Our jobs are hard. But we're making our kids a priority, and we're making the most of the time we have with them.

"I missed you, mommy"

Yesterday when I got home from work, I immediately had to put my one-year-old daughter to bed. Then I had to make dinner for my 2 1/2-year-old son and me. (My husband was working late.)

While we were eating dinner, my son turned to me and said, "I missed you, mommy."

His words touched me. I know he misses me when I'm gone, but this is the first time I've heard him verbalize his feelings.

I just hugged him and said, "I missed you too, sweetie."

I thought about this tonight as I read the article "Family Values Begin at Home, but Who's Home?"

The author believes, and I agree, that in the quest for work-life balance, work is winning. And in a society that's supposed to be deeply concerned about family values, "these issues have been appallingly absent from the political conversation."

Maybe it's time to jump-start the conversation. Election 2008, anyone?

Need more convincing? Take at look at this post on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog of a glimpse inside the boardroom. Horrified? I was.

The opt-out myth

Here's a fascinating article by E.J. Graff of Brandeis University's Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism. The premise? Professional women are not "opting out" of the workforce, they are being pushed out.

I think this is a must read for any working mother (and that's some 70 percent of you).

It's live!

And here's the blog: family.go.com/blog/IronJessica

Working and working out, part two

I road my bike to the office today, inspired in part by the unusually warm and sunny weather, in part by this article I read last year about a family of four that lives the suburbs and doesn't have a car.

Before you utter any excuses about having to drop the kids at day care, or the weather being too cold, make sure you read the part about how one mom road her bike to work with a baby. Four miles. In the snow.

Extreme maybe, but to me it's just one example of how to fit exercise into your regular day.

Speaking of inspiration, my friend Jessica's blog about mothers and exercise was supposed to launch yesterday on family.com.

About Jessica: She has a full-time job, two kids AND she's training for an Ironman triathlon.

Me? I just want to make it back up the hill on my commute home.

Girlfriends

I've been in the same book club for nine years. I started it not long after I moved to Seattle on the advice of a therapist, who suggested I make more women friends.

We read a book a month, then meet for dinner at the hostess' house for dinner and a discussion. Our two rules: All book club meetings must have drinks and dessert.

There are currently eight of us, all mothers, and while we've lost some members and added new ones along the way, the number has remained about the same. And just as our group has evolved, so have our discussions. We generally spend a few minutes talking about the book -- longer if we all hated it -- and the rest of the time we talk about children, husbands, jobs, politics, religion, vacations, exercise, or whatever.

None of us had children when the group began. But these are the women who've showered me with baby gifts, who've brought me meals after the births of my two children and who've lent a ready ear or given advice on all things child-related. And I've done the same for them.

Not surprisingly, the topic of work-life balance comes up frequently in our book-club meetings. (Other recent discussions included who does more around the house, how not to raise overly indulgent children and how to get your kids to baseball practice with less than a week's notice of the days/times of the practices.) Here's a glimpse at how we all make work work:

Of the eight of us, three work full time. (One does this by working from home a couple of days a week so she can spend more time with her kids, opting to work evenings after they go to bed. Oh yeah, and she's in a high-level job at a large software company.)

One recently worked full time until she was laid off after the company was bought in a hostile takeover. Instead of pursuing another permanent position, she decided she needed more than three weeks' vacation a year and now has a full-time contract job that ends in June, just in time for her to enjoy the summer.

Another used to work full-time as a teacher, but now she job shares and is home by early afternoon -- in time to greet her own kids as they get home from school.

One works part-time, and although the company has pressured her to go full time, she has resisted.

One quit her job as a lawyer after her kids were born, and now that her kids are older she works a few hours a week at her old firm with the promise that she will come back full time in the next couple of years.

And, of course, I just quit my part-time job so I could work for myself.

In the busy world of a working mom trying to get everything done that needs to get done, it can be all too easy to set friendships aside. I think that's crazy. Working moms need girlfriends more than ever.

All in a day's work

What a great day! I played with my kids all morning, then I spent 4 1/2 hours today at my husband's office, learning how to do his accounting, billing and payroll. It's not my normal line of work, but I am so happy to have a less stressful job. Besides, he really needs the help, and it also helps our bottom line.

I got home just before 6 and realized I had forgotten to set out something for dinner, but I grabbed leftovers from the freezer and popped them in the microwave. Within 10 minutes, I had dinner on the table.

By some miracle, we got both kids to sleep (in their own beds even!) by 7:30.

So what did I do with my evening? I prepped dinner for tomorrow, then I cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms. (I had a house cleaner for awhile, but I fired her after she didn't show up for the third time, so now I'm back to doing it myself.)

I keep thinking of that old saying, "A woman's work is never done."

Not that I'm saying that cleaning is woman's work, mind you. Trust me, my husband does his share around here.

I just think that in families where both parents work, for many the "second shift" begins in the evening -- making dinner, feeding and bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, doing dishes, tackling laundry, paying bills, etc.

And even when a working mother is not officially on the clock, at work or at home, she's always on call. It comes with being a mother.

Not one, but two jobs

Is anyone actually surprised by this MSNBC.com article that says women still are more likely than men to take time off work for child care responsibilities?

Among the interesting findings:

"An Elle/MSNBC.com survey of more than 60,000 people found that about 15 percent of people thought their female bosses’ child care responsibilities interfered with their ability to do their job. Only about half that many — or 7 percent — thought child care duties were interfering with their male bosses’ workday."

One expert quoted said she found the 7 percent number encouraging, because it could mean men are participating more in child care duties.

But the problem remains that survey respondents still thought child care responsibilities interfered with their bosses' ability to do their job. (How many of those people actually have kids?)

I think the greater issue is the need for more flexibility in the workplace. Or, as the article states: "... Workplaces will develop more flexible policies for working parents only if men start taking on even more child care responsibilities."

Last Saturday, for instance, I ran into a male friend with his two kids at the Seattle Children's Museum. I happen to know his wife is in the middle of planning a major event for her employer, and he said he was taking the kids for the day so she could work. He said he was also watching the kids on Monday.

"Don't you have to work?" I asked.

Well yes, he did, but so did his wife, so it was his turn to take time off.

That's the nature of modern parenting when both parents work: Who has the deadline coming up? Who took time off last time?

Or even, who makes more money? Or who has the more flexible job?

Is it always fair? Probably not.

Working and working out

So not long ago, a friend who recently returned to her full-time job after maternity leave said to me, "One thing I still haven't figured out is when to work out."

This working mama sympathizes. (And I've also discovered that having two young kids means it's twice as hard to find time to work out.)

So what's a working mama to do?

This article on FamilyEducation.com has some useful tips, including making workouts a priority, waking up early to head to the gym (Ha! As if I have any extra sleep to sacrifice!) and trading workout days with a partner.

If you don't want to cut too much into family time, I say join a gym near the office and squeeze in a workout during your lunch break. (Hey, you're already paying for child care anyway, why not get a workout out of it, too?)

If there's not a gym nearby, even going for a walk can get the blood moving and give a working mama a few minutes of personal time, not to mention leave her refreshed for those afternoon meetings.

Personally, I have found it useful to redefine the concept of exercise. Before baby, my idea of "working out" was swimming for half an hour, parking myself on the elliptical trainer at the gym, going on a Saturday afternoon bike ride or running a few miles before work.

And now? I consider it a success if I can just get both kids dressed and out of the house.

Seriously, though, on the days I'm not working and can't get a babysitter, I try to incorporate my kids into my exercise routine. I have a double stroller (my kids are 1 and 2 1/2), and anytime the weather's not below freezing, I'll buckle them in and head for the neighborhood park. (Hey, with both kids in this thing, it weighs almost 80 pounds, so don't tell me that's not a workout!) Sometimes I'll even bring the dogs, two 75-pound Labrador retrievers. The dogs get a walk, the kids get to play at the park and mom gets her exercise. Everyone's happy.

I also put my kids to work. When my son was a toddler, I would have him accompany me while I did chores in the yard. If I was pulling weeds, I'd give him a hose and let him water the plants. If I was raking leaves, he would help me. (Grandma gave him a pint-sized rake, which he loved.) I could spend time with my son, squeeze some chores into the too-short weekend, and get exercise all at the same time.

Above all, I make exercise a priority in my life. If I don't get any, I go stir-crazy, so instead I squeeze it in wherever I can.

It's about time

In Washington state, a Senate budget committee just approved legislation — Senate Bill 5659 — that would entitle all workers to up to five weeks of paid family leave per year.

According to a report in The Seattle Times, workers could "use it to stay home with a newborn baby or newly adopted child, to care for a sick relative or domestic partner, or as personal sick leave.

"Payments would be capped initially at $250 per week, a figure that would grow with inflation. To cover the benefits, the state would impose a payroll tax of 2 cents an hour per employee — about $40 per year. The bill would allow employers to deduct the tax from employee paychecks.

"The program, which would take effect in 2009, is projected eventually to cost about $100 million per year.

"It would be the nation's second-highest family-leave benefit, behind California. Several other states, however, also are considering expanding their programs."

Kudos to Washington state lawmakers for finally taking this step. For working mothers who might not otherwise be able to afford time off, this bill could financially enable them to spend time bonding with baby, establish breastfeeding or care for a sick child.

The bill still needs to pass the House, so now is the time to contact your legislators.

The joys of being self-employed

Today I took my kids to a birthday party at 3-2-1 Bounce in Bellevue. (Who hosts birthday parties on Mondays anyway? If I had a more traditional job, I wouldn't have been able to go.)

One of the perks of being self-employed is if my kids get invited to a birthday party on a Monday afternoon, I can take them and adjust my work hours accordingly. However, I was also supposed to meet my husband at the office this afternoon to learn his accounting and payroll system so I can start helping him with his books.

Well, let's just say I planned to leave the party after the bouncing, but A. followed all the kids to the party room and sat down and immediately started eating pizza. I wasn't about to pull him away in the middle of that, but I did manage to get him out the door before cake and presents, or I would have missed my afternoon appointment entirely.

I raced home to drop the kids off with grandma and arrived 45 minutes late to Jim's office. Did I mention I was also covered with smooshed banana? Not a good first impression on a new job, but my husband is very forgiving.

Barbara Rose of the Chicago Tribune recently wrote about a new survey that suggests that instead of opting out of the workplace, "professional women are choosing to stay employed by negotiating flexible arrangements such as shortened hours and restricted travel."

Rose refers to the study from Simmons College School of Management in Boston. She also writes: "An overwhelming 90 percent reported having negotiated flexible work arrangements at some point in their careers."

Surprisingly, "Women who said they used flexible arrangements at some point in their careers were not hit with a 'mommy tax.' Holding constant for age, educational level and other differences, they earned as much as women who asked for no special flexibility, the study said."

Yes, the survey size was small, just over 400 professional women. But the authors theorize that women's careers were being measured against a model from the 1950s that no longer gels with today's workplace.

Rose writes: "That paradigm no longer makes sense because firms no longer promise lifetime employment, and people's personal lives are more complex...."

" 'Women are rejecting the "work is primary" career model and enacting a new "self-employed" one,' the study states."

What the self-employed career philosophy means is that women are finding flexibility in the workplace.

And flexibility is often a requirement for finding a better balance between work life and home life, and sometimes even being able to attend a child's birthday party on a Monday.

Baby, this just isn't working for me

Interesting, if not somewhat discouraging, article on Guardian Unlimited yesterday: "Baby, this just isn't working for me."

The article begins: "Women with young children suffer more discrimination at work than any other group..." according to a UK government-commissioned report.

Apparently American women are not the only ones struggling with work/parenting issues.

One paragraph in particular that struck me:

"Nothing prepares you for parenthood, according to the cliche, and certainly nothing prepares the young, successful working woman for the painful realisation, as she hits her 30s, that this is the decade in which she's expected to do two completely contradictory things: start a family and at the same time shift her career into the highest gear if she is to win the biggest prizes. The 30s is a decade of brutal reckoning for many women as they are forced to recalibrate everything they have been told since they were children - yes, they can achieve anything they set their minds on, but at a cost that no one ever spelt out to them. How large that cost is depends entirely on the individual woman, her own understanding of motherhood and the kind of engagement she wants with her own children. A few working mothers resolve that conflict to their own satisfaction; the vast majority live uncomfortably with an internal dialogue of self-doubt."

This is not to say you can't be a mother and have a high-powered career. Take a look at this article on Yahoo! Chief Financial Officer Susan Decker.

But I do agree that many career women do encounter a brutal reckoning once they have children. There's nothing like having a baby to force you to re-examine your life.

Along comes baby...

I don't think it's possible to be truly prepared for how a baby will change your life. You can read all the parenting books, you can hang out with friends who have little ones, but you don't really know. Not until you've been been sleep-deprived for months on end. Not until you've seen your baby's first smile and thought "She likes me!" Not until you've been woken up in the middle of the night, scared half to death, because your baby has croup and can hardly breathe.

Likewise, for a mother who also holds down a job outside the home, I can't begin to describe how heart wrenching it is to leave your baby in the care of total strangers for the first time. Or the joy you feel about wearing clothes without baby spit on them, or talking to adults for most of the day, or just being able to get something done! Or how tired, frazzled and guilty you feel when you have to cancel that meeting for the third time because baby is sick again.

At least that's how it was for me.

Before baby, I worked long hours, often leaving my house at 7 in the morning and not returning until 7 or 7:30 at night. I was a producer for a newspaper Web site, a job I loved but that required juggling multiple projects and constant deadlines.

I was fortunate enough to work for a company that offered me six-months' maternity leave and a day care center across the street. But I knew that if I continued to work those long hours, I would never see my baby, and that wasn't the kind of mom I wanted to be. So I successfully negotiated a job-share agreement, found a co-worker who would be willing to be my job-share partner, and went back to work when my son was 5 1/2 months old.

I enrolled my son in day care at the end of October. I was happy to be back at work, tackling new projects and using my brain. I would go over every day at lunchtime to visit, often nursing him so I wouldn't have to pump breast milk for his bottle.

But we had problems with day care almost from the start. A. did not nap well there. My breast milk supply quickly dwindled, and I reluctantly had to supplement with formula.

And A. was sick all the time. Within a three-month period he had RSV, bronchiolitis and four ear-infections. I had to bring a nebulizer to the center to administer his medicine. Every other week I was asked to come pick him up because he threw up or he had a fever. And when he was sick, it usually lasted for a week.

I didn't have backup child care, but A. was too sick for me to leave him in someone else's care anyway. Fortunately, I was able to work from home, but due to the daily deadlines, if I didn't finish my work for that day, someone else had to pick up my slack. I opted instead to work into the night after I had put A. to bed, which only deprived me of sleep, left me vulnerable to getting sick, and made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job at work or at home.

These were the things no one told me about before I had a baby.

I was the only working mother on our team of about 20. I was lonely. But I was determined not to fail, grateful to work for a company that valued me enough to let me set up a job-share.

When my parents moved to Washington state from California to help out, I pulled A. of day care faster than you can say "Achoo!" and gratefully left him in the care of Grandma.

As A. got older, things started to get easier. He wasn't so dependent upon me anymore. I started to feel more like myself. I was enjoying myself at work again.

And then, the same month my son turned one, I got pregnant again.

Now, some women rave about being pregnant, say it's the happiest time in their lives. I am not one of them. I threw up almost daily for five months. I was nauseated all hours of the day. I did not sleep well at night. Yet somehow I managed to get through the pregnancy, raise a toddler and (barely) hold down a job.

This time, I started my maternity leave a couple of weeks before my second child was due. Again, I took six months off. When I went back to work, I had the support of my mother at home, watching the two kids, helping to clean the house and occasionally throwing in a load of laundry. When I was running late (frequently), I could even call home and ask her to warm up dinner.

It was an ideal situation. "You're so lucky," friends would tell me.

But for someone so lucky, I wondered why I was so unhappy. After six months of trying to balance the needs of two kids under 3, a part-time job that was no longer satisfying, and still have time for my husband and myself, I decided I'd had enough. (If there's one thing having kids has made me realize, it's that if I want to accomplish all the goals on my life list, I might as well start now.)

Now I am a freelance writer, editor and Web site producer, plus I help my husband with the family business. When I have work, I work; when I don't, I spend time with the kids. It's how I found my work-life balance, am still finding my work-life balance, but I had to leave a traditional office environment to do so. And I am lucky, because this wouldn't be possible if I didn't have an extremely flexible and loving babysitter. ("Nana," as my kids call her.)

The choices surrounding working and parenting, especially for a woman, are never easy. What helps me: having family nearby, doing work I am passionate about, and surrounding myself with other moms. (It doesn't hurt to hire a housekeeper or a meal delivery service, either.)

My working mother friends and I, we all struggle over issues of how to be good mothers and good workers, of how to balance home life and office life. But I don't think there is one solution. We all just do the best we can.